“It started off so well
They said we made a perfect pair…”
2nd June, 2008:
Dear Diary, today was my first day in college. Some friends from school are also with me. Our classroom is on the 1st floor - as we were about to reach the landing something made me turn, and I saw her, and my world started spinning. Then darkness.
I don’t know for how long I was out but when I woke up my friends told me I’d slipped when I turned around to look at that girl and went flying down the steps, did three somersaults and crashed at her feet in exactly 1.5 seconds! I know they were exaggerating but I get the point. I just pray that nobody took any pictures or video. It’s going be viral if it ever came out on Youtube or Facebook. First day in college and I do a classic mess up. What a loser! I’m sure they’ve already posted about it and made me an internet joke. I think I should deactivate my FB and Twitter for a week at least.
The girl’s name is Jennifer @Jane and we’re in the same class. The fall broke my nose and I ended up bleeding all over her white Converse shoes (it smelled new too LAWL). On the other hand I’m happy it happened because we became friends instantly and we are benchmates now.
1st June, 2009:
Dear Diary, tomorrow is our first anniversary. Wow, one year already huh. It’s hard to believe that she fell in love with me the same day I did. Come to think of it, a few drops of blood was indeed good payment for her love. We’re throwing a small party at Ramona’s - only BFFs invited. It’s a very special occasion so we’re not even posting it on FB; I had asked Jane to inbox the invitees, oh, forget it, I’ll login from her account and do it myself. I’ll just tag the others when we post the photos.
“I clothed myself in your glory and your love
How I loved you, how I cried...”
9th July, 2010:
Dear Diary our 2nd year results came out today; Freddy and I did ok, we made top 20 (Oops! that’s the bottom haha…). Seriously we’ll have to do better next time. I’m sad for some friends who did even worse. We’re planning a small lunch to cheer them up. Already created an event @ FB, I’ll give them two days to click “Going”.
18th October, 2010:
Dear Diary, College week from tomorrow. I was planning to go home but Freddy is in the football team and wants me to stay. I haven’t left hostel since last year and mom is sick too. Mom, Dad, I miss you guys but I hope you understand, I can’t just leave Freddy while he needs me. Sorry mom, get well soon… :’(
11th July, 2011:
Dear Diary, III yr results came out today and Jane and I both passed! Woo hoo!! But the morons had some back papers. They deserve it! Who told them to fool around so much? But the idiots could have at least congratulated us. They were looking at us as if it was our fault that they flukned. It’s a good thing we left them early. Jealous bastards! Had a private celebration - just the two of us. Oh now she wants me to stay back and do Masters? Hell no! I’ve had enough education, now I must start earning. Besides I don’t have rich parents like her. Oh what a crybaby. Girls hah! She’ll be fine in the morning.
11th July, 2011:
Dear Diary, got our final year results today, Freddy and I were lucky to get through. But sadly a couple of friends had back papers. I feel so sorry for them; I understand they were too upset to even congratulate us. I couldn’t even meet their gaze; they were so envious of us. We shouldn’t have left them like that; Freddy can be so mean sometimes. We went to this quiet restaurant to celebrate, my heart wasn’t in it but I had to go along to keep him happy. At least we can discuss our future plans in peace. Since our Degree score isn’t so good I’ve decided to do Masters and try some improvement. I asked Freddy to join me but he’s like NOO!! I hope he doesn’t spoil his future because of money problems. There has to be a way. Stupid me, don’t know why I cried but he’s not making it any better by taunting me.
22nd October, 2011
Freddy’s leaving next week. Oh Lord, please make him stay. I don’t want him to leave. Freddy, honey, please don’t go… Please, please, please, please, Lord I beg you please make him stay… ;’(
“The years of care and loyalty
Were nothing but a sham it seems”
8th November, 2011:
Dear Diary, just two weeks and I love Bangalore already. I don’t miss home at all, I’ll never go back. The only thing I miss is Jane. Man I wish she was here with me. I’m so empty without her, now I understand how much she means to me. But I can’t stand her constant nagging; tell me how can I call her 500 times a day?!!
8th November, 2011:
Dear Diary, two weeks feels like two years already. Freddy must be feeling terrible. I’m sure he’s totally homesick by now and missing it like crazy - except me. Freddy is so independent I don’t think he needs me at all. Although I’m glad he calls me once or twice a day, I just wish he called more often, like 5 times at least…
30th November, 2011:
Oh Diary I wish you could help me. Quit my job at Cognizant, I can’t stand the bloody HR politics and those “Indians” always making fun of my accent. Had to sell my Laptop for 15K. I know it’s worth a lot more but emergency y’know. I must get a new job soon or else I’m finished. If I wasn’t so broke I’d surely go home for Christmas. Jane would die if she knew my condition LOL. Forgot to call her again. Ah, I’ll just message her before I sleep.
30th November, 2011:
Dear Diary, today I missed Freddy so much I didn’t even feel like going out. So I just stayed in my room and dreamed of him all day. Can’t wait to see him in Christmas. I’ll ask him to meet my parents talk about marriage. The distance is killing me. I’ll ask him to leave his job in Bangalore, I’ll quit my studies too. What’s the point if we can’t stay together? We’ll both find work here and get married, that’s it. Freddy is all I care about.
I’m sure he must be enjoying his work. But he’s changed a lot, the whole day I was hoping he’d call but it’s the second day he hasn’t called, and if I call him he’ll start complaining that I don’t give him space. And no use texting because he never replies, and the only texts I get from him are SMS jokes. I hope he at least gives me a call before sleeping.
19th December, 2011:
Dear Diary, had another fight with Jane because of yesterday’s Advent X-mas Meet. Come on, they were just friends, we just had a couple of drinks in the evening and danced together, that’s all. I’ve told her a thousand times nothing happened after that. I wish she let me enjoy my life and stopped being so nosy. She would never forgive me if I told her the truth anyway.
19th December, 2011:
Dear Diary, we fought again. I’m worried about his social activities and I’m sick of hearing rumors about him. Sometimes it’s his cousin’s birthday (And how many cousins does he have anyway? He had none when we were together and now he’s got at least 70 cousins in Bangalore alone! And all his FB friends are girls now, and cousins – all 4000 of them!), a colleague’s marriage, and does he have to attend each and every tribe’s Advent Christmas? He promised that he would come home for Christmas but now that’s cancelled. I’m sure it’s because of some chick. Come on seriously how can they be just friends if they can drink and dance together? And he wants me to believe nothing happened after that? He thinks I’m stupid or what? I wish he started being responsible and stopped lying so much. I know him so well, no one is perfect; we all make mistakes. If he comes clean once and honestly resolves to change how can I not forgive him?
“The years belie we lived the lie
I love you 'til I die”
31st January, 2012:
Diary why did he do this to me? He told me to wait, and he promised that he would come back for me. He swore that he would remain faithful to me and never love another woman. He used to say I was the love of his life. Didn’t he say we’d build a small house together and make it our world? We had even chosen the name of our first child, Michelle if it was a girl, or Jonathan, if a boy.
I agreed to everything he said, right from the start. I gave him all my love - even my body, because I knew we belonged to each other. I promised I would wait for him and remain faithful. I turned down all the suitors Mom and dad brought because I was sworn to him. I kept all my vows; I even gave him my youth, because I wanted to grow old with him. Why crush my future too when he has already ruined my present? Lord, what did I do to deserve this? Should I tell him..? No, I’ll bear my shame alone, let him live his life in peace.
Freddy, I do hope you’re happy with your wife, I pray that you have lots of beautiful children. If you have a daughter, please name her Michelle, and I pray that she looks just like me. And Freddy, if you ever visit home with your wife and kids, do visit me and put some orchids on my grave, and I’ll know that you still love me. Because I’m keeping my last promise - I‘ll love you till I die.
31st January, 2012:
Dear Diary, there are things I can never tell Jane but I messed up everything. I should have listened to her and continued my studies. Coming here has been the biggest mistake of my life. I am out of job and penniless, but that could be easily fixed if I but hadn’t destroyed my life already.
Remember the last Advent X-mas? Although I said nothing happened, I lied. After the ‘Meet we went to a friend’s party, I must have enjoyed too much because I didn’t realize what I did until I woke the next day on someone else’s bed. Ruth? No, Ruth was November; this one I can’t even recall her name. Later I heard rumors about her promiscuous disposition. They even said she sometimes escorted men for money, so I immediately took a blood test and my greatest fear proved true. I am HIV POSITIVE! I thought I was mentally prepared for this but to say I was shattered would be a gross understatement. From that day I lost my peace forever and I forgot how to sleep.
I wanted to tell Jane but was afraid to confess, I couldn’t apologize either because I expected no forgiveness for what I had done. I knew she would be devastated so I lied about meeting a new girl and settling abroad – at least the pain will be bearable this way. I don’t know how much time do I have now but it won’t be long before my decay is complete, and I’d rather die alone covered in blood than lie in my own piss, surrounded by my loved ones crying in shame…
Save me, save me, save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me, save me, save me,
I'm naked and I'm far from home…
14th February, 2012:
He sat drunk at the bar and cursed Valentine’s day all evening, saying anything he could think of to belittle it – it was a day the stationery companies invented to induce people into buying silly cards and gifts, or some marketing gimmick, and all the stupid boys and girls who believed in this freak show were all, well, stupid. The truth was, he wanted to celebrate too - he just didn’t have anyone to celebrate it with.
She sat in her room all day waiting for the call she knew would never come - ready to forgive, prepared to give him another chance. She yearned for him, and if it meant repeating the same mistake again, so be it. She knew he was not coming back but she wouldn’t give up hope. Her life was meaningless without him anyway…
“You’ve let everyone down, boy” the voice in his head told him, “You’ve disgraced your family and you’ve broken the heart that loved you with every beat. And as if that wasn’t enough, you have also ruined your own life.” He knew now what he had to do - it was the only way, and that somehow gave him peace because he felt for once in his life that he was about to do the right thing.
She wanted to look her best for him. So she put on her makeup - first the eye-shadow, then eyeliner, mascara, a touch of blusher, and finally, Freddy’s favorite cherry red lipstick…
Each step felt like a ton as he walked the steps to the terrace, but as the cool air of the fading winter enveloped him he felt a welcoming sense of release…
She was sobbing the whole time. She sat in front of the mirror but she didn’t notice her tears smudge all her makeup, she just kept painting her lips and kept mumbling to herself “No, no, I can’t do it..” “But I still love him..” “I’m sorry Freddy..” over and over again…
The whisky had worn off and he felt a chill as the wind whipped his face. He was ready.
Finally she stopped weeping, but not because her heart had stopped aching. She had run out of tears. And she knew there was no turning back.
He remembered the first day of college, four years gone but still fresh as yesterday. He couldn’t help marveling at her beauty. He smiled. And as he stepped off the ledge, he softly whispered, “Happy Valentine’s day, Jane.”
She sat on the floor and rummaged her make-up box for something. But it gave her no joy when she found what she was searching for, and she looked away as she started slashing her wrists with the razor blade. She wondered how had she come to end her own life when another was already growing inside her. She knew she was fading fast and she looked at the mirror one last time – she was beautiful, she reflected, and her make-up impeccable – she was ready for Freddy and would wait in the afterlife to be re-united with him. She caressed her belly with her bloodied hands, a last teardrop fell for the baby who would never see the light of day, for the child Freddy would never know he almost had. And just before Jane slipped into darkness she saw a faint vision of a little boy playing in the sand while his parents looked on…